Green Beer, Leprechauns and Snakes — Oh My!

Our intrepid correspondent explores the mysteries of St. Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick’s Day brings back some great adolescent memories for me. Nothing beats being shy, plump, freckled and sans green in a hallway full of hormonal teenagers. Why any guy thought pinching the girls or each other was remotely enticing, I will never know. I am sure there is some guy out there who could expound on the sheer delights of this school-age ritual, but as an insecure teenager, I did not appreciate this kind of attention at all.

While St. Paddy’s was something of a non-holiday for me most of my young life, all that changed the first year I turned 21. I could not resist the lure of shiny green hats, leprechauns, lusty young men singing Irish tunes, and copious pitchers of green beer. March 17th became yet another reason to dress up and hit the town for a night of dancing and drinking.

So what is the point of St. Patrick’s Day anyway? Why do millions of people flock to bars, wear outfits of green and make fools of themselves? It is all in honor of a deceased patron Saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick, who, legend has it, chased all of the snakes out of Ireland. Imagine that! We drink pitchers of green beer because a man, probably the first Steve Irwin, chased snakes. Had he managed that feat today, he would have more than a holiday named after him, he would have his own reality show. Heck,

he would probably have his own television series! The truth is, Ole Paddy was probably only trying to impress one of the local maids with his snake-taming charms (he was originally pagan, you know) and the next thing he knew one snake got an inkling about what he was up to and they all slithered out of Dodge, or Dublin, as the territory goes.

Which leads me to another interesting tidbit about St. Patrick’s Day. The Irish did not start out thanking their illustrious saint with pints of beer. Oh no. It was a feast day, celebrated by attending church and making merry with friends and family. In fact, up until the 1970s even the pubs shuttered their doors in honor of St. Pat. So, no silly green hats. No hugging strangers and shouting “Luck of the Irish!” No shamrock dessication and definitely no leprechauns winking at pretty girls. None of that nonsense AT ALL.

Speaking of nonsense, what is the connection between St. Patrick and the leprechauns? Well, truthfully, nothing. Leprechauns, first of all, were not particularly nice. Cobblers for the fairies, leprechauns spent much of their time cranky and in need of a hot shower. Come to think of it, I am often cranky and in need of a hot shower, but that is another column altogether. Leprechauns had nothing to do with St. Patrick or St. Patrick’s Day until Walt Disney (yes, the same Walt who brought us a talking mouse) introduced Darby O’Gill and the Little People. This happy, friendly and clean little guy became the symbol of Ireland and the Irish everywhere.

So if leprechauns are not really about St. Patrick’s Day and it is essentially an Irish religious holiday, then what about all that green beer? Other than indulging in an extreme green fetish, I could not find much to account for the tradition of green beer. One legend has it that St. Patrick gulped down a few green beers before embarking

0n his snake roundup, but most accounts seem to indicate that ingesting green beer stems from an obsessive need for everything to be green on March 17th. Heck, just check out the Chicago River. They dye the whole flaming thing green. Of course, it was originally dyed to help ferret out illegal sewage dumping, but the people liked it so much (what can I say, it’s Chicago) that it is now an annual event.

Not much for leprechauns or green beer? Take in any one of the number of St. Paddy’s Day parades. Bring on those wiener dogs in green aprons! The last St. P’s parade I witnessed included a school bus overflowing with really drunk people who frantically tried to keep the bus rocking in time with the beat of the music blasting out of the open windows. It nearly toppled over in the street. Good times!

Whatever your poison, be it a shot of Irish whiskey or a cold mug of green beer, be sure to keep an Irish toast on hand. Enjoy the day. Watch out for cranky leprechauns. Wear green. Pinch your green-impaired friends, and as you slide down the banister of life may the splinters never point your way. Erin Go Bragh!