John Heffron Goes Mile High

The comic riffs on superheros, women, Home Depot, and his youthful career as an assassin

by Debra Goldyn

John Heffron, season-two winner of NBC's reality show "Last Comic Standing" seems like a friendly, uncomplicated guy. You'd never guess that the megawatt smile and upbeat demeanor conceal the heart of an assassin. Sure, he might prefer to play video games or watch obscure Italian rap videos, and he doesn't really have the inclination or the energy to come after you, but he's thinking about it - oh yes, he's thinking about it.

"I'd be a pretty lazy superhero, I think," he says. "Whatever kind of destruction I can give but without putting out that much effort. You know, I don't really want to sit there and knuckle up with a guy in a parking lot for 20 minutes. I'd rather just shoot him with some kind of light-blue ray that turns him into dust or something from a long distance."

Heffron, who performs at Comedy Works March 12 to March 14, developed his violent tendencies at a young age. As a kid growing up in Detroit, he was the mastermind behind the "assassin game." "I took everybody's picture in our whole subdivision," he explains. "We had like probably a hundred-some kids...and you had files on everybody, on what bus they rode, and what time they got home. And then I broke the whole subdivision down into teams, and then whoever you drew - let's say I drew you - I would have to shoot you."

Mercifully, his weapon of choice was a gun that shot suction-cup darts, and he ended up choosing comedy over a career as a mercenary (or an advertising exec, which was his other fallback choice).

Heffron started doing stand-up in high school, and after graduating from Eastern Michigan University in 1993 he worked the college circuit, doing 80 shows a year. He captured the craziness of college life and his early years on his first CD, Kid with a Cape. At 25 he segued into radio, working as Danny Bonaduce's sidekick on a Detroit morning show for five years. "If you ever watched the show, that's pretty much him," Heffron says. "So, imagine getting up at 3:30 in the morning and having to deal with that every single morning."

The radio money provided a nice nest egg and helped tide him over after he moved to L.A. Several TV appearances followed, including stints on "The Tonight Show," the HBO Comedy Festival in Aspen and two Comedy Central specials, among others. He also recorded a second CD, Good Kid, Bad Adult, before landing

a spot on "Last Comic Standing" in 2004. Somewhere in his hectic schedule he found time to get married, and now he's busy trying to decipher the fairer sex. Domestic life is the topic that informs his third CD, The Better Half, which was recorded in 2006 at Denver's Comedy Works.

Ask him what he finds confusing about women, and he'll consider the question thoroughly before responding. "I think it would probably be the talking," he finally says. "I could call my wife just randomly, and the second she picks up the phone she'll start the conversation as if we've been in it for 20 minutes. I could be calling her and say 'Hey, I'm hanging by one hand over an edge of a cliff, call a helicopter,' and I'll have to listen to 20 minutes about what the cats did today before I could even get in a 'Hey, I'm about to fall - this is my last phone call.' "

There are other issues to work through as well, especially for a guy who's not used to cohabitation. "The biggest surprise," Heffron relates, "is probably your wife moves in with you and is there all the time." As a result, he's developed a fondness for Home Depot, which doubles as his Fortress of Solitude. "I'm pretty bad at building anything, but you know sometimes...you need excuses just to get away for a second."

While he tries to solve the mystery of the male/female dynamic, there's his relentless touring schedule to attend to. During his three days in Denver he'll do a total of five shows, which makes you wonder how he manages to stay energized on stage.

"It's a mental thing," he says, "because after every show you have a little bit of a lull afterwards, where you're kind of spent and a little bit exhausted. But it's what you do for a living. I'm sure my dad, who worked at UPS for 30 years, didn't feel like hooking up the trucks every day but he found the energy and he did it. You know, this is my job."

For a free download of The Better Half, visit www.johnheffron.com.