When I was in second grade, I forgot to return a library book. To prod my memory, my teacher attached a reminder to my shirt. Oh, the horror. For the remainder of the day (which, to be fair, might have been only 45 minutes), I was forced to wear the grade-school equivalent of the Scarlet Letter. It never occurred to me to rip it off, so I simply suffered and sulked my way through what seemed like an endless day.

I was marked. Set apart. Inferior to the others. Just what every grade-schooler craves.

If you’re single — even blissfully so — Valentine’s Day can seem like the worst sort of torture, even worse than the indignities meted out on the playground. All everyone does is waltz around, drowning in chocolates and flowers and discussing dinner plans, while you cast about for a convenient ledge from which to launch your wretchedly single self.

Thankfully, you’re not alone. Here’s your primer to getting through the day with your sanity and all your extremities intact.

Strategy #1
Download J. Geils Band’s “Love Stinks.” Crank to 11, press play. Listen, and repeat. Smile and nod at people as if you can hear what they’re saying. Console yourself with the idea that a good portion of romances are doomed to crash and burn.

Strategy #2
Get a copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary. View repeatedly, commiserating with Bridget’s every misstep. Start your own diary, where you track how many times you must restrain yourself from throttling friends and co-workers.

Strategy #3
Log on to Facebook or MySpace. Look up every person you’ve ever dated, and send them insulting messages under a fake sign-on.

Strategy #4
Gather other single co-workers. Don black ski masks and rampage through the office, looting all the desks for chocolate. Make loud, whooping sounds as you do so. If confronted, launch into a passionate tirade about

the crushing loneliness of your pathetic single existence, and the oppressive nature of a society that values marriage over independence. (This one is best left for those of you who hate your jobs and plan to resign immediately.)

Strategy #5
Unplug your phone, crawl into bed, and hibernate until the next day. When you emerge from your cocoon, start working on securing a date for next year. After all, if you can’t beat ’em, the best strategy is to join ’em.